How is Mom doing? And some pictures.

One of my mother's old friends came with her son to the funeral and to the post-funeral gathering. Her son brought a book that my mother sent to him on the occasion of his birth more than 50 years ago in an African country (the Congo, actually. Can you imagine giving birth to your first child in the FUCKING CONGO in 1958??)  where the father was serving as a diplomat. Here you see my mother, a little confused, reading the inscription that she wrote so many years ago.

As well as can be expected for an 86-year-old woman with Alzheimer's experiencing severe cognitive decline, I guess.  She is devastated, grief-stricken, confused. Her tangled brain has trouble processing what happened.

Mom's bewilderment about my father's sudden death is made worse by the fact that she doesn't remember that he had serious health problems during the last 2 years of his life.  As far as Mom knows, he was perfectly healthy up until the day he went into the hospital and then dead less than 48 hours later.  She thinks that a simple germ felled him, something that could have been fixed with proper care and the right medicine. "If only Mother had been here," she laments, thinking back to the childhood pneumonia that almost killed her in the days before antibiotics, and how my grandmother pulled her through it with nothing but aspirin and bed rest.

A quiet afternoon the day after the funeral, looking at her college yearbook. 

My siblings and I were shocked as well, because Dad had been in a sort of holding pattern for awhile with no recent hospitalizations, no falls, no UTIs or pneumonias in the last 8 or 9 months--perhaps a testament to the vigilance of Pam, Samelia, and Eleni, the caregivers. But we haven't forgotten all the close calls and how much he suffered during some of those previous hospitalizations. We are grateful that it happened so quickly and that we didn't have to make any really tough decisions about life-sustaining procedures.

Someone is with Mom all the time, of course. A caregiver during the day, one of us on several weekday afternoons/evenings, and one of us on the weekend days. She is sad when we are not there.

She misses him so much, you guys.

My impossibly slim and naturally still-blonde sister Sarah organized a pansy-planting activity last weekend. It's hard to see her behind the handrail, what with the impossibly-slim thing.

Ok fine, I'll show you a picture of her where you can see her. Can you believe she's 52 years old?   I used to be that skinny. DAMN YOU, O THOU LACK OF SELF CONTROL.

The caregivers, who all loved my father,  are grieving, too.  Samelia said to me once, "He is my father now, too."   (All the more poignant because her father died when she was a teenager, killed in the Liberian Civil War.) Pam and Samelia were in the hospital room with us when he died. Pam, Samelia, and Eleni all came to his funeral and wept.

That kills me. I love them so much for what they have done for our family, and I can't believe how lucky we have been. I heard dire warnings from so many people about locking up valuables, sloppy care, etc. Our experience has been the complete opposite.

I have so much more to tell you.  Thank you for listening/reading. Sorry I haven't replied to the all the comments, but I have read them all, of course, often more than once.  I have even quoted a few of them (I'm always embarrassed to say, "This person who comments on my blog said...."  Instead, I say, "This friend of mine said....")  

I really do consider you friends, even the people I have never met in person. Thank you for all your support.

Josh, Sophie, me, Emma. Check out Emma's cool vintage dress -- worn by my mother back in the 1950s.

Emma, Paul (Sophie's fiance), and Sophie. Random picture of the kids goofing on each other, but you can see more of Emma's dress here. It had a low back which is really pretty too.

Comments

[Karenth]

Mary, I just wanted to jump in the car, run over to your Mom's to give her a hug and listen to her story. There is such healing power in telling her loss story to anyone who will really listen. Even though her story is a *version*, it is hers for as long as she needs it.

[Jane]

Thinking of you....

[the bee]

We need to take your mom to lunch. I think she is adorable. It would be fun and I know she would love it. I will even do an outdoor cafe so we have something to look at. You all are amazing and along w/ Pam, Samelia, and Eleni you gave your dad so many happy and quality years. Not many parents are this lucky. Your mom has lost her best friend. I cannot imagine. You all lost an amazing dad and grandad and in-law. All of it hurts. I wish I could fix that. Sending the love... xxxx000- bee

[Cathy S.]

Ahh. I am so sorry and am praying for you. My mom had surgery just before I left for Guatemala (knee replacement) and it was harder than she thought. She had to go to rehab and my dad was lost without her being home. She finally cried and pitched a fit so they let her go home. My mom is not a fit pitcher. Ever. I can only imagine your pain right now. Take comfort in all the good you did for him.

[Tessie]

You write about this stage of life better than anyone. I can't even. Love to you and the fam xoxo

[Swistle]

I got chokey, I got teary, I did a sob, I filed away information, I got a foresight, and I admired your daughters' haircuts. So...good post, and sad.

[Toni Miller]

Tears and prayers for you and your family Mary. Even though you don't know me I have been reading since Amanda in 2007. You have touched my heart in many ways through the years. God Bless!

[Belle]

Your dad had a huge impact on others which is wonderful for you to know. I remember folks telling me little stories or insights about my dad at his funeral and it was so very comforting to hear them. Your mom and dad went through so much together and for so very long that it is no wonder she is devastated. My mom still grieves and it has been 9 years since my dad has been gone. I don't think a day goes by that she doesn't mention him. A lifetime of love stays in the heart forever.

My prayers for your mom as well as to you and your family.

[Margaret]

Honestly, I can't imagine either one of my parents without the other. It will be hard, hard, hard. What lovely photos and what a terrible and yet beautiful journey you have had with all of this. Sending you much love!!

[jean]

Your Mom must be so lost and confused. I can't imagine how you are able to deal with this. Your brothers and sisters (even the skinny one - LOL) must be your source of strength. And that's a great thing to have right now.

PS: I too have a sister who is thin, blonde and looks half her age. Thank god I love her or I'd have to hurt her.

[Cazza]

Such a bitter sweet post.

Thinking of you so much at this time.

Lovely to see the girls so happy (and gorgeous!)

xx

[tammy]

You are not alone. My cousin's wife just went through the same thing. Mother has Alzheimers, Dad kinda shakey, fell got a subdural hematoma and died. Mom doesn't understand, what happened. Total confusion, looking for her dear husband.

Glad you have loving caregivers. It is so important.

[liz michalski]

You have a lovely family, Mary. My thoughts are with you and with them.

[Vicki]

Your mother? I was going to say, "bless her dear sweet confused heart" but then I realized it's not her heart that is confused. So, bless her sweet heart.

I'm sitting here considering what I would trade to be as slim as your sister. And as to your last post?

“A casket is like a church: none will get you into heaven, none will keep you out. It is not about the accessories. Do the essentials right, and the rest will take care of itself.” (thomas lynch)

[Phaedra]

Relationships with our mom's can be the most challenging and the most heartbreaking.

If you want, I'll wrestle your sister to the ground and force feed her cake and cheeseburgers. It's the least I can do.

[Liza Lee Miller]

Sigh. Thinking of all of you.

[Maggie]

Oh this is so hard for everyone. My heart hurts for your mom and your family.

[Heidi]

The passage of time is a wondrous healer. Too bad it takes its #^@*& sweet time in the meantime, but it'll happen...

[Sue]

Aww, your cute little Mom. My MIL died, suddenly, in November and my FIL has Alzheimers. After her death he had to be placed in a locked Alzheimer's unit at a local nursing home. He kept going out to look for her. Wouldn't listen to any of us that she had died. He would look at us as if to say "You don't know what you're talking about" and would then say "She'll be home from the hospital today." Very, very sad and frustrating. Now, he is getting accustomed to his room and schedule at the home, but when any of us go to visit (there is someone there 2-3 times/week) he asks if we've been to his house and have we seen his Mrs.? So frustrating. He is 90 and is in perfect health except for his brain. My sister-in-law has his room at the nursing home all decorated and it looks very much like home (bedspread, lamp, end table, TV, pictures, decorations all from home) but he tells us that "none of this is his, some girl brought it all and gave it to him". Sometimes he knows who we are, other times he asks dozens of time who we are and where we live. So sad. Whew, sorry this is so long and please excuse my poor punctuation! Keeping you family in my thoughts.

[FC]

She IS impossibly thin for 52.

I spent Saturday at the funeral for the mother of my high school sweetheart. Her daughter and I parted ways in 10th grade, but remained friends and her mother was very nice to this long haired hippie motorcycle riding kid from across the tracks ... pause for a breath ... even though I wasn't the usual country club suitor they were used to.

After the funeral, 3 of us from the class of '76 sat on the dock bar at the Conch House, drank a beer, talked about her Mom, our teenage misadventures and generally laughed our asses off. I think that was such a good thing for my friend ...good medicine for a heart broken by the loss of her mom.

The next day, I worked in my Mom's yard all day long as she gave this or that direction.
I felt very lucky to be there.
I hope you are getting some laughs in among the sorrow.
Thinking of you and your whole crew.

[Dusty]

I'm so sorry for your loss. It must be so stressful to have a grieving lonely FIL and a grieving lonely mother.

[robin andrea]

I can't imagine grief tangled with alzheimers. Such a sad combination of sorrows.

I say, "A friend I know from the blogging world, who I'm also friends with on Facebooks, says..." It's a long intro, but it works!

[Laura]

Mary,
This is such a sweet post. I am thinking of all of you. And I have an impossibly slim 53-year-old sister. Self Control, I remember her.

[bonnie]

Beautiful photos and touching prose! Prayers for you and yours, Mary!

[jean]

Just checking in to see how everyone is doing today. Taking care of two elderly parents can be very hard. But you have two weddings to think about and hopefully that will balance it all out. Hopefully. Take care.

[Beth Ann]

Checking in to see about you and your family. This time of life indeed has its challenges, as you are learning first hand. I'm sorry people have to find out how hard it is to deal with ill and grieving parents...but what else to do? We just have to send good thoughts and kind wishes and hopes for better days. I hope you have some moments of joy and happiness this week, however fleeting.

[Mike]

It's really hard for old people when it comes to their friends passing because they realize that soon this will happen to them. With my grandmother the hardest thing was the lose of her friends.