We don't live in our little yellow house in the suburbs anymore. We live in da city. A straight 4-mile shot to the White House. Not that I would ever shoot at the White House! Get off my back, FBI!
Josh, Pushkin, and I have moved here to provide companionship and hot meals to my 91-year-old recently widowed father-in-law. We are here for the duration. A year? 6 months? 5 years? It doesn't matter.
We have moved in and out a couple of times since my mother-in-law was sent home to die in early September. It was an easy and obvious decision when my mother-in-law was dying, but it was harder in the immediate aftermath. My father-in-law wanted some alone time. He used his alone time to get pneumonia and ended up in the hospital half dead.
Pushkin doesn't like moving back and forth. He's all, "PICK A HOUSE AND LIVE THERE, GODDAMMIT."
We were all, "Duuuuuude, you need us to live with you." And he was all, "I don't want to be a bother to you! Also, you eat too much food! And who threw out my gefilte fish?"
I am not lying at all. There was a heated, high-decibel conversation about the gefilte fish, which Josh had thrown out because it was REALLY REALLY OLD.
It's really very funny to hear one's husband and one's father-in-law argue about gefilte fish. That right there made up for all the trouble of marrying into a Jewish family.
Anyway, it's all been decided now. We live here. We need to put all our shit in storage, because there's no room for it here. We will rent our house and try to bank the money we will save. It's a good opportunity to pare down our possessions, and at the same time it will probably extend my father-in-law's life. He will eat better, we'll notice if he looks peaked, and we'll pick him up off the floor if he falls down. It's a win-win situation, right?
I'm not going to lie, it is really hard for me (and Josh) to leave the little house where we have lived for 24 years. But, I think it's going to be okay.
Meanwhile, my own parents have been stable and healthy-ish, so that's good. There have hardly been any crises at all, except for a minor one on the day that Pam The Aide called me to say that Mom had decided to clean out the refrigerator and had thrown out all Pam's food AND stopped up the sink AND created controversy by insisting she would use the toilet plunger to unclog the sink which Pam considered very unsanitary.
When I called my siblings to report this hilarious scenario, each one of them had the exact same reaction: "What the hell? Mom was cleaning out the refrigerator?"
She never did that when she was healthy. Why is she doing it now that she has Alzheimers?
Your situation was exactly what my Dad wanted, except that if we were even visiting and stayed too long he would start telling us we should leave before dark, when were we leaving anyway and are you still here? Of course he already had the Alzheimers then. Ideally he would have had my sister move in, sans husband, but then I think he really thought she was my Mom, long since gone, so a tricky thing there. He was constantly telling his aides to get out when we tried that path. Anyway, you guys are saints to move in and change your lives this way. And your little yellow house is still your little yellow house. It sounds like a good plan, I hope it goes well.
Posted by: Pam L | October 24, 2011 at 09:34 PM
Wow, lots of changes, but they sound like positives. Hard to leave your house though! You're doing what needs to be done and I admire that. Your mom cracks me up. If I get Alzheimer's, I'll probably dust fanatically because I sure hate to do that now!
Posted by: Margaret | October 24, 2011 at 10:19 PM
You are a trooper, it would be hard to pack up and move even if I knew it was the right thing to do. Love your Mom story, I was trying to think what I would do if I get the big 'A'. I'm thinking I'll be ironing everything in sight, since I avoid to now like the plague!
Posted by: gail | October 24, 2011 at 11:35 PM
Glossing over the crazy? I should say so! The lines are not difficult to read between, dear girl.
The city house has a certain exterior charm. Your photo shows SUNLIGHT, though I never saw any until the last two hours of my recent week in da city. I wish you much sunshine, good wine, patience, and the continued support of your well-raised progeny. You and that nice Jewish boy are going to need all of the above. For some time to come.
I give you permission, as long as you're glossing over, to use my late and dearest pal's retort to the inevitable question, "How ARE you???" With a straight face, or a coy smile, just say: "I'm fine if you don't want details."
So much admiration have I for both of you. Not even an oy from you. Wow.
Posted by: Karenth | October 25, 2011 at 12:51 AM
Oh, Miz Mary, I do believe I see wings and a halo on you.
Posted by: blackbird | October 25, 2011 at 05:55 AM
Holy crap! I sure didn't see things unfolding like that. I'm a little jealous and resentful that you guys are raising the caregiving bar so high! Gotta say I have very mixed thoughts about all this, but support you 100% 'cause I love you! But I'm just a wee bit worried about your sanity.
Posted by: Anne | October 25, 2011 at 08:18 AM
Sigh. As usual, Blackbird and Anne manage to say all that needs to be said, just right, in the least number of well chosen words.
Posted by: Karenth | October 25, 2011 at 10:02 AM
Wow! 2011 has been one big year of change for your family. You are to be commended for the move. Not sure I could do that for my in-law/laws. My MIL is very hard to get along with and she never has anything positive to say about anything. That being said, I would hope my kids would do that for me when I am old and feeble.
Posted by: Sue | October 25, 2011 at 11:05 AM
Wow, as Anne said you are really raising the caregiver bar much higher than I'm afraid I'll be able to go! Plus if I moved in with my FIL I wouldn't have the bonus of listening to arguments about gefilte fish. Would instead likely have to listen to arguments about college football.
Posted by: Maggie | October 25, 2011 at 11:48 AM
You are the best person ever. I will never leave casa de Betsy. Your mom cleaning out the fridge cracks me up. What a lovely surprise for Pam.
You have set the bar very high my friend. I will not let my parents read this post. Really.
We are going to the ursing-na ome-ha mom and dad, they have pie there. xxxxx0000- Bee
Posted by: the bee | October 25, 2011 at 12:09 PM
Wow. That is a very unselfish and dramatic move.
But, I wonder ... how DOES one tell if gefiltefish is "OLD"?
Shudder.
Posted by: FC | October 25, 2011 at 10:17 PM
Wonderful news, and God bless you! (Pretending for a moment that I believe in one.) I'm available for gardening help any time, of course.
Posted by: Susan Harris | October 25, 2011 at 11:02 PM
Straight to heaven on the express elevator.
You know how I know how hard this is for you? I am actually grateful for the ever-exciting world of autism in which we reside; it keeps my 80 yo mom from insisting we move in with her. Every time she mentions the excellent private school, her huge house, the wonderful neighborhood, etc etc, I play the biggest card I have "I know Mom, it's great where you live. But all our AUTISM THERAPISTS are in Boulder." And that ends the round.
I am assuming the sell by date was 2004, as that gelfiltefish stench could knock a buzzard off a shitwagon on its best day...
How far do you have to drive to work?! I am going to fret about your well being, Mary Mary.
Posted by: MsCellania | October 25, 2011 at 11:13 PM
i have told my son (just 11 now) over and over.. when we get old we are NOT your responsibility.. do not feel you are in any way responsible for us because YOU ARE NOT. i just can not imagine asking him to take years of his life to 'take care' of us. i just do not want that at all. by that time i hope they allow people who want it to be put to sleep because i want that more than anything if i need to be 'taken care of'.. i truly don't know how people do it. i watch my m-i-l wait for her father to die so she can actually have a life again. and she will feel quilty forever when he finally does die. aren't i cheery! good luck to you and i am glad you seem to not mind it.
Posted by: kris (lower case) | October 25, 2011 at 11:26 PM
Such love you express through service and willingness to uproot yourselves. I know your father in law appreciates it even if you did throw his fish away. I'm praying that God continues to give you strength and that you and Josh can carve out some times for yourselves as well.
Posted by: Cathy S. | October 26, 2011 at 06:58 AM
Wow. Just wow.
Posted by: Readersguide | October 26, 2011 at 09:34 PM
Wow, that's a big step! Changes, changes!
Posted by: maddy | October 27, 2011 at 11:36 AM
Oh, Miz S. You make it very hard to find the words. I wish you all the good things you can find in that house in the city, and in every other place you live after.
On the bonus round points, not only are you a saint (do saints drink sake? or only wine?) but you got Jane to blog again. You da bomb.
Posted by: liz | October 27, 2011 at 01:23 PM
I've been checking you and Jane periodically~so glad to find you both back. That picture of your FIL makes me feel sad...he must miss his wife so much. And he's so fortunate to have you and your hubs in his life. Such a sacrifice that speaks volumes.(LOVE the exterior of that home.)
Posted by: Kiki | October 28, 2011 at 09:19 AM
I figured something big was happening. You and Josh are doing such a loving thing. Take time for each other too.
Posted by: Margaret | October 28, 2011 at 02:18 PM
That' a big move... and you know, it will probably turn out to be a good one for all of the reasons you mention. It's a new adventure. And it may really make things great when you retire.
I admire that you two are agile and flexible enough to even consider doing it... and I already knew that you are the kind of people who WOULD do it for Josh's father.
Looking forward to seeing you soon.
Posted by: Kate F | October 28, 2011 at 03:12 PM
Hope your kids are taking notes - ha!
Really, just the thought of me moving in... You put me to shame.
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