On Wednesday evening, shortly after I took a mess of Advil and checked my temperature many many times in a row and procured a sub for Thursday, I came to my senses and realized that yes, the fate of the free world does in fact rest upon my shoulders. So I canceled the sub and showed up at work with a red Mylar balloon, juice boxes, and valentines for the kiddies. My classroom aide brought cupcakes, so a Valentine's Day party of sorts was organized despite the fact that I hadn't really been at work all week. (We don't need no stinkin' room parents here at Some School.)
Ordinarily I would have bemoaned the fact that there weren't cute heart-shaped plates and matching napkins. But you know what? The kids didn't give a shit that we were using paper towels from the dispenser by the sink. They milled around passing out Valentines and laughing and eating Hershey's Kisses while I cursed myself for not bringing the camera. Good God, first-graders are cute when they are not driving you batshit crazy.
And it was good to be back at work and see my friends whom I adore.
Oh, except for this:
You know how I have that hair-trigger guilt complex, right? Everything is my fault because I have an inflated sense of responsibility and grandiose notions of my place in the big scheme of things? Elderly relatives are lonely--totally my fault for not visiting. Children at school have crappy parents--I need to work harder to make it up to them. Situation in Darfur--somehow my fault but I haven't connected the dots yet.
Anyway, a colleague of mine--no, not just a colleague A TEAM-MATE--turned 50 today and no one noticed or said Happy Birthday to her. And she came into my classroom while I was being productive after school and dragged me up to her computer to show me the Ecard that her sister had sent her, which was when I realized it was her 50th birthday. She's a single mom and she's always depressed or having a crisis or saying things that make me want to bang my head against the wall. MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON MY SOUL FOR BEING SO INTOLERANT but Jesus, she's annoying as all get-out.
And yet, I feel terrible that I forgot her birthday. I mean, everyone forgot her birthday, not just me, but I feel like I bear extra responsibility. I should have protected her from this trigger for depression!
I should go to my therapist and get my damn money back.
You don't HAVE to feel bad. She was being passive-aggressive with the e-card, so that lets you off the hook.
Feel better soon.
Posted by: Dusty | February 14, 2008 at 11:18 PM
She wanted someone to notice, and you did--so you're off the hook. I take on too much guilt too, so I'm the last one to talk. I hope you were well enough to be at school in all the Valentine hoopla!
Posted by: Margaret | February 14, 2008 at 11:24 PM
Glad you had a good V-day with your kidlets. Sorry about your teammate but how is it your fault? Seriously. I can totally see how Darfur is your fault (along with the situation currently brewing in Kenya) but this one. Sorry, baby, you are off the hook. :)
Posted by: Liza Lee Miller | February 15, 2008 at 12:27 AM
OH! That teammate of yours... that was MY fault. Yeah. She's my sister. That one that I forgot about.
NOW you're off the hook. Completely. I'll call her in the morning and apologize. Okay?
Posted by: Keri | February 15, 2008 at 02:29 AM
As long as you're feeling better, possum. That's all that matters.
Posted by: Cazza | February 15, 2008 at 04:28 AM
It's always SOMETHING isn't it?
As my mom would say: if it's not an ASS it's an ELBOW.
(I'll leave you to ponder that one.)
Posted by: blackbird | February 15, 2008 at 06:56 AM
I am HORRIBLE about remembering birthdays. In fact, I finally made a spreadsheet with my family and my boyfriend's family 's birthdays. Hmm. That came out nerdier than I anticipated.
Posted by: The Cubicle's Backporch | February 15, 2008 at 08:32 AM
i must applaud you. because i was waiting for the part where you dropped all of your prior plans for the evening and took out (or at least offered to take out) the girl for dinner, as a birthday gift, to assuage (?) the guilt. but you didn't do that.
so yay!! *pats you on the back* that's a good step :P
Posted by: Laura/DaPFG | February 15, 2008 at 08:40 AM
oh wait. yesterday was valentine's day (yes, i DID read the whole entry, btw. lol), so Josh might not have flown for that.
but anywho. i'm just glad, is all. :)
Posted by: Laura/DaPFG | February 15, 2008 at 08:41 AM
Two things.
First: Some School doesn't have room parents? YOU ARE MY HERO.
Second: I just turned 50 and Very Much Appreciated it being pretty much ignored. Miss Newly Fifty sounds like a pill of the first order, so feh.
Posted by: Paula | February 15, 2008 at 09:27 AM
Aw, you have a big heart. I'm sure you said something nice to the poor woman. It breaks my heart thinking that she had to show someone the ecard to bring attention to her birthday. But she chose *you*. That warms my heart.
She should know by 50 that there are a million ways to "drop hints" about an upcoming birthday.
Posted by: Kathryn | February 15, 2008 at 09:28 AM
Have you ever heard the phrase "responsibility magnet?" That's a person who feels responsible and organizes things and can't let go very easily? And other people will have this person do things? Maybe you are one. I am like this and have been trying to reform myself.
I have really cut back on certain volunteer responsibilities (room parenting, girl scout leader, etc.) but the *feeling* itself persists. I am worried that the school won't properly recognize a retiring teacher, etc. and have been asking around. I guess no one else is concerned?? Well, I'm working on letting go, but I'm not good at it...
Personally, I want my 50th birthday swept under the rug, though I hope I am happy and healthy at 50. I will be pleased to turn 50. Quietly pleased, though.
Posted by: maddy | February 15, 2008 at 10:03 AM
Be sure to collect the interest you're owed on your therapy refund money.
Posted by: Heidi | February 15, 2008 at 11:27 AM
Get my money back too because obviously we went to the same therapist because, oh mah holy hell, the economy in Michigan is sooooo my fault. As is the weather and the freakin' San Fransisco earthquake in 1906.
The therapist didn't help me either.
Posted by: Ree | February 15, 2008 at 01:07 PM
I used to be the only one who remembered all the birthdays, wrote them on the next years calendar in December so I wouldn't miss those January 2nd & 6th birthdays for my niece and nephew on my husband's side. I made my kids write thank you notes for each and every thing they ever got. I was admired by all. Now, I can barely get myself to turn the calendar page, or then, look at it. I used to shop for then send out Valentines Day cards to my parents and my husband's parents from my kids after having them sign them, ditto Easter, Christmas, Presidents day (kidding) Now, I'm only in the game for Christmas and immediate family birthdays. I just can't do it all anymore. And that one pain in the butt sister-in-law who has never, not once, sent out anything for my kids for birthdays OR Christmas let alone a card of any sort-ever, except the invitation to her daughters wedding, whom I'm pretty sure did all that herself- now I admire the HECK out of her for sticking to her plan (not that she had one) for now I feel guilty and she...not so much.
Posted by: Pam L | February 15, 2008 at 02:56 PM
You know as well as I do that you can't concentrate on the personal work your therapist prescribes if your busy doing silly things like thinking of others before yourself.
Let her pay someone $90 an hour like the rest of us.
Posted by: Kimberly | February 15, 2008 at 04:22 PM
We had a sub today. So I hung around and 'helped'. I imagine her saying to admin at badge turn-in at the end of the day: "The kid is as smart as a whip and helpful, but that mother is an eternal annoyance." And then when I was sharpening fat pencils; our wonderful, exceptional English Second Language teacher popped in and was admiring the pencils. So I GAVE AWAY a dozen pencils! That were not even mine to give! So I better spend the next 3 days finding more of those made-in-Tennessee fat boys to replace the ones I gave out. Any ideas?
Oh - and I hope you are better fast. Stop feeling guilty about stuff! You are not the Mother Of All Earth!
Posted by: MsCellania | February 15, 2008 at 09:42 PM
Ok, gonna take this moment to confess my undying love for Liza Lee. Seriously, she's right, Darfur *IS* your fault. I swear, if my self-esteem issues trump yours, then your guilt complex FAR out-shadows mine. Oy, girl.
You are lovely. Seriously. But really, I'm digging that Liza. I'm fickle, tho...:D
Posted by: Wende | February 15, 2008 at 11:32 PM
You know, once you're an adult in the real world you shouldn't expect grade-school-type recognition for a birthday. Don't feel guilty about missing her birthday. She needs to grow up.
Posted by: Vanessa | February 16, 2008 at 10:50 AM
I agree with Dusty: I think your co-worker was being a wee bit passive-aggressive, not to mention a drama queen. However, I would have totally fallen for the guilt ploy because everything is my fault, too.
Posted by: LisaL | February 16, 2008 at 09:18 PM
Birthday?? Oh crap! Tomorrow is my future son-in-law's birthday. Of course it is waaay too late to get a card in the mail. Maybe I can blame the lateness on President's Day and no mail delivery. You can bet my mother who may not know where that important tax document is will remember to send the most perfect card!
Posted by: Gail | February 17, 2008 at 12:44 PM