In Which I Explain Several Times That This Is Not a Piece of Cake.

This picture of my friend Ellen and me has nothing to do with the post. It was taken today on the Billy Goat Trail in Great Falls, and I post it here to prove that I am getting out and doing things and not wallowing in self-pity. Also, it gives me the opportunity to publicly declare my love for Ellen.

Josh and I have been living with my 91 year old father-in-law, Aaron, for 4 months now.

Why?

Because my mother-in-law died, and we thought we could help fill the void or at least make sure that he's eating real food.

Aaron thinks we are living with him to save money. That was basically the only way we could convince him to let us move in.

When people ask how it's going, or say, "Wow, that must be really hard," we always say, "Nah, it's not that hard. We like it. Blah blah blah Positive Sunshine-y Phrases."

Because we don't want to be all, "Yeah, it was really hard to pack up our entire life and put it in storage and move in to someone else's house, which has hideous window treatments and furniture that makes me shudder,  yeah it kind of sucks sometimes and we really really really miss our old life. But we're so selfless and wonderful we did it anyway. Commence with the praise."

We don't want to be Negative Nellies. Plus, it was our choice.

But just between you and me?

It's not exactly a  piece of cake.

It's harder for Josh than for me, I think, maybe because Aaron feels free to be cranky with Josh but will maintain a certain level of decorum with me.

I don't know how to explain the difficult parts of living with a grieving 91-year-old man. I suppose you can figure it out. He's lonely, even when we're here. And he's set in his ways and can't figure out  why, for example, we would have the audacity to leave our mail on the desk in the living room for 2 days at a time. ("That mail could be important! You need to read it to see what it's about! Take it upstairs and do something with it!" Subtext = What the hell is wrong with you people??)

He is fond of saying to us, "I don't understand how you people operate!"  This is usually uttered after he asks Josh what we are having for dinner that night and Josh says, "I don't know. I guess one of us will pick up stuff for a stirfry on the way home."  Which was how we always did things before. Casually. We have learned that we need to post a menu for the week ahead to avoid the "I don't understand how you people operate."

He doesn't have a social life because his friends are all dead.

His world revolved around 1 person, and we are a poor substitute for her.

Josh has to cope with his dad by himself a lot, without my comforting presence, because I am over at my own parents' house checking in on them.

We retreat upstairs at night to watch TV in our own room, partly because we can't stand to watch the news for 2 hours straight (which is what Aaron does), and partly because we need to cocoon together a little bit and try to hold on to the way things were.

We're not sorry that we moved in. It was the right thing to do. And Aaron is sweet most of the time. I love him.

But it's not a piece of a cake. In case anyone thought it was.

Comments

[Margaret]

Nope, no piece of cake. But you still sound sane. Hopefully. I admire you guys so much for doing this. Especially because of that no piece of cake stuff.

[Swistle]

That sounds like not even HALF a piece of cake. It sounds more like a bowl of fiber-enhanced meat-free chili, not quite hot enough.

[Fay (seriously... I think what you're doing is so very kind.)]

Well, I sure do admire you and am glad to commence with the praise any time you like. :) Perhaps a tiny silver lining is living in the city and getting to walk to places? I don't know. But yeah, this is nothing like cake.

[Melinda]

I think you and Josh are awesome. With aging cranky parents of my own (whom I love dearly) I so truly understand what a sacrifice you are making and what good to the bone people you are for doing it.

[blackbird]

I had no doubt that it was hard as hell and even though I KNOW you are the biggest saint on earth I cannot, for the life of me, imagine how you are doing it and not going out of your fekking mind. In fact, just yesterday, while I was scrubbing the shower I was thinking about YOU and wondering how you have not gone completely mental.
True story.

[Nance]

Oh my hell, the "you people" comment. I have heard it so much with my own mother that I think I made it a trigger word. I hear or read it and I automatically start to seethe. Just hang in there and know that there are many people out here cheering you on.

[Belle]

I could not do this....could NOT do this. And I am sending a huge hug to you and Josh because you did.

[liz michalski]

Never even crossed my mind. I always assumed it was horrible and you were just being all brave with the stiff upper lip for your public. And you are! But you are also being an awfully good person. Plus! Think of the example you are setting for your daughters! (And the rest of us.)

[Margaret]

I knew it would be tough.

Glad you and Josh take time for yourselves. Most Important to do.

Praying, M

[Maggie]

Well Swistle said my thoughts better than I could have, so I'll just note "what she said."

[Readersguide]

Yeah, I would go out of my f'in mind. My parents, or my husband's parents -- nope.

[Pam L]

It was hard when my Dad always assumed that however he did things was the way everyone did things, didn't they? I only lost my patience with him one time in the last few years and then I felt horrible for a long time, even now actually, when I think about it. He was the sweetest man. Imagine what Aaron's life would be without you. I guess cake can wait. Stay strong.

[the bee who adores Mary]

You are both amazing. I have told you that I could not and would not do this and I consider myself a really nice person. The mail thing is something my dad would say for sure. Also, the bad furniture and window treatments would send me to my room. I am glad you get out and we will do it more often. Also, Ellen is awesome. If she ever leaves you I would hope I have a chance. Hahaha. Sending the love !!!! xxxxx0000- bee

[robin andrea]

You and Josh are such good-hearted people. It is hard work to do the multi-generational thing with our aging parents. We are about the embark on the same journey with my mother, except that she is going to move in with us. We just had a one-month trial, and it was okay. Definitely harder on me than on Roger. My mom is 86 and really can't live alone anymore. So, I offered to do this, because we are retired and have the time. But that only makes it slightly easier than if we both worked. The arrangement we have with my mom is this: I'm available everyday from 9:00 am until 7:00 pm. That means if she needs anything that she can't do for herself, I'm glad to be there to do it. At 7:00, we retreat to our bedroom. That's it. We need our time to be together, just the two of us. My mom is pretty good about that. She likes to read, and with her new Kindle she is immersed in a book everyday. I tell myself that families lived like this for thousands of years. We can make it work. I'll be checking in here for wisdom and laughter.

[Heidi]

Happy BIRTHDAY cake to you today, Miz S!

[David]

I wish I could give you a big fat hug. And Josh as well. I know it's tough, you both are wonderful people.

[Sue]

I would probably be crying a couple times a week. You are doing the right thing. A lot of people in your situation wouldn't or couldn't do what you are doing. You people are awesome!

[Vicki]

Well, happy birthday anyway. I'm thinking you need a little mountain get-away sometime soon. Just pop over to AVL and I'll pick you up in a second!

[FC]

Happy birthday girl!

[kris (lower case)]

truly..i don't know how you do it. as i have said before, i have told our son that in no way is he to ever do this kind of stuff for us. i can not stand the thought of him taking years of his life to do that. ugg. i watch my m-i-l with her fahter over for dinner every night for the past 5 or 6 years (they bought the house behind them for him and her mom and her mom died 5 or 6 yrs ago).. they can rarely go out, he goes with them almost every place.. she is so tired of it and feels guilty about being tired of it. in no way do i want my son doing that. just kill me now.. well, kill me then i guess cause my son is only 12 now..