I'm not exactly sure how to start blogging again, except to do the obvious and type some words, then hit publish.
You guys still out there? How the hell are you? And how are your elderly parents and your jobs and your kids and stuff? Got your holiday crap up? Wrapped the presents and whatnot?
Me, I'm fine, kind of. Mostly.
Maybe not. Can't tell.
We finally got all our SHIT packed up and have installed renters in our little yellow house. Those fuckers better pay their rent on time or I will KICK THEIR ASSES.
Haha. Kidding. They seem like reasonable enough people.
We have made it through 3 milestones since my mother-in-law died: My father-in-law's birthday, Thanksgiving, and Hanukkah. I can't say it has gotten easier yet.
Especially because I feel an impending sense of doom hovering over us all the time. Joell was the first to go, but there are 3 more just behind her. And now that I know how it is, I DREAD IT.
Honestly, I had no fucking idea it was so hard to lose a parent. I mean, I know that people are sad when their loved ones die, obv. But I always secretly envied middle-aged orphans. They have nothing to worry about! Kids are out of college, parents had heart attacks years ago, those fuckers are pursuing hobbies and traveling! What a great deal!
And now I find out that it's horrible and sad when the elderly die.
I'm afraid that means that I'm stupid or immature or self-involved or all of the above. You know, to have this dawning realization that it SUCKS when your parents die.
Here's another thing: I don't mind living here at all, but at the same time, my routine and my surroundings are so different that I feel constantly unsettled. For example, I get up early, like I always have--4:45am--but instead of sitting around and having breakfast and reading blogs and watching the news, I shower and leave the house. At like 5:20am. Because I just can't figure out how to hang around here in the morning. Fortunately, Einstein Bagels opens at 5am. So now I eat a bagel and drink coffee IN MY CAR (less chance of awkward interactions with cheerful strangers), and I pull into the school parking lot at 6:15am.
I don't leave work until 5 or 5:30 because I'm not sure what to do when I get back to the house. And of course there's always plenty to do at work so I can justify it to myself.
Weekends are divided up between my parents and laundry and grocery shopping.
So I'm cranky and exhausted. And getting fat-ish.
Isn't one of you fuckers a psychiatrist or therapist or life coach or something? Please just tell me what to do. Give me a step by step plan.
Seeing it all written down like this makes me feel sad and a little embarrassed. But at least I can hit "publish" now.
My mom. And one of the aides, Eleni, in the background. (FYI, Eleni gave birth six weeks ago to twin boys, 6 pounds apiece. And she's a tiny little bit of a thing.) This picture makes me a little weepy. My poor mom.