Whumpf.

My father-in-law's birthday present, 58 years ago.

I knew you guys would be all, "Oh, you're a saint!"

I'm SO NOT A SAINT. Just ask Josh or anyone else who knows me in real life. On my good days I am cheerful and flexible and fun. On my bad days I am high-strung, fussy, and moody. And that was before we moved into my father-in-law's house. On top of my basic very un-saintly personality, mix in the family drama that crops up with unsurprising regularity, and then picture me stomping around in a huff.

Ain't no one handing out any halos or wings around here.

The funny thing is: I'm surprised at how easy it has been, overall, to uproot myself and live in someone else's house. I was afraid I might not be able to do it. One day, when my mother-in-law was still alive, I went back over to my own house to pick up mail or something. I walked around whimpering happily at all the familiar sights, then sat at my kitchen table just bubbling over with joy at being home. That day I worried that I would not be able to step up to the plate and do what needed to be done.

But as I said, it has not been that hard. It turns out that I can be quite happy and comfortable over here. The hard part is getting our own house packed up so that we can rent it out. When the hell are we supposed to do that? We are too tired after a long day at work, I've been taking a 6 hour class on Saturdays (Spanish for Educators, gracias very much), and I go to see my own parents on Sunday.

I guess we are going to have to press other members of the family into service to help us out. So, if you are related to me and you see my phone number pop up on that screen, be forewarned. There is a ton of crap to sort through and boxes to be carried to and fro.

Josh and I have discussed the pros and cons of this plan backwards and forwards many times over. And just to reassure some of you: I don't feel forced into this in the least. Josh and I squabble from time to time, but mostly we are really good at operating as a team. If I really couldn't do this I would say so, and Josh would be okay with that.

But in the end, moving out of our house and in with my father-in-law is the only thing that makes sense. He shouldn't be alone. Not because he can't manage the activities of daily living. He can, sort of. But because his heart has been broken. 

This was brought home to me with a whumpf last night when we returned home from celebrating his 91st birthday over at my sister-in-law's house. (My mother-in-law always made a big deal on his birthday. She told me one time that it was because his family was large and poor and they had never celebrated anyone's birthday and she was horrified by this.)

Pop-Pop had told us that he didn't want us to do his birthday this year, but we didn't feel like we could just ignore it, you know? We may have just made him sadder. I don't know.

I came in the front door just minutes after Josh and Pop-Pop had arrived home (we were in seperate cars) and found Pop-Pop sitting on the stair landing, looking at a book.

It was the book that my mother-in-law (Joell) had given him on October 29, 1953, the first birthday they celebrated together. The book was The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery, and it was her favorite book of all time, a book that in some way defined her. (In fact, my niece Maddy read an excerpt from that book at Joell's memorial service). 

Anyway, I walked in the front door and found him sitting there on the stairs. At first I thought he was feeling tired and was resting before the climb up the stairs. Then I saw what he was looking at and, goddamn, I had to dig my nails into my hands to stop myself from bursting into tears right then and there. I said something lame like, "Oh....there's that book that Joell gave you..." and he said, "Yeah. I was just thinking about her. It was a good life."

Josh was equally tearful after witnessing this sad vignette. When we were alone in our bedroom he said to me, "And that's why we're here. Can you imagine him going to bed alone in an empty house?"

The answer to that question is obvious. No. I can't imagine it.  I'm glad we can do this.

Comments

[cbrks12]

Oh, the tears are flowing here too. So glad you can be there for him.

[Pam L]

I don't think anyone thinks you, or anyone, can be a saint on a daily basis. Who could? Even my own MIL was WAS a saint, had her moments, even though it never entailed raising her voice,ever. But I digress.
Most of us see your decision as saintly because many of us, myself included, perhaps, didn't, couldn't, wouldn't do the same thing, and maybe, like me, feel some guilt about that. Or maybe that's just me.

[Jennifer]

omg. That story brought tears to my eyes. And the message she wrote him. Gah.

[Fay <3]

Good stuff, missy. I'm glad y'all make a good team. :)

[Margaret]

This makes me cry too...because I'm intimately familiar with that book, Le Petit Prince. It's all about people's effects on others, kindness, imagination and faith. A lovely allegory. I'm glad you're there too and doing OK with it. We enlisted every friend/family member we knew to help over at our other house when we needed to rent it. We also had estate sales/yard sales/dump runs galore. Get as many people on board as possible! It's quite a job.

[blackbird]

Oh, Mary. I'm sitting here making a fekking Halloween costume with Youngest and I am sobbing.
Thanks for the catharsis...but, more importantly, I cannot possibly imagine uprooting my life and leaving my house to do what you are doing.

Want to come over for a whiskey?

[Melinda]

Oh my goodness that made me cry. See, we're all crying for you since you had to hold it together. Aren't we nice? You're totally doing the right thing being there.

[Cathy S.]

This made me cry. But, then, I am emotional today. Back in Guatemala with my babies. Life is short. Despite no halo, you are still a saint in my book.

[the bee]

I think it is because so many of us cannot imagine doing what you and Josh are doing. Having said that, there will be moments like his b-day that let you know that you have done the right thing. I cannot imagine him alone in the house either. He was one of the lucky ones. He and Joell lived out a love story and I know his heart is broken. I saw it in my own grandfather. His Queen was gone. I have tears in my eyes for all good people like you and Josh and the whole family. I will help pack and I will bring wine.

[Laura]

Though I read this blog regularly, I don't comment on it so my comments will be taken as some crazy stalker but anyway...Saintly or not, you take care of your own in the best way you can. At the end of the day, that's all anyone can ask for.

Also, knowing that kind of connection can exist between two people gives me a little faith in the world.

[Tessie]

Lovely.

My grandmother recently moved into an assisted living facility, and she's always saying things like "it WAS a good life". I just hope there's still some good life LEFT, you know?

[Keri]

Aw dammit. Give Pop-Pop a hug from this Wisconsin stranger. And slap yourself (not really - hug yourself) for making all of your bloggie friends cry. Love you, Mary.

[Karenth]

More than a little guilt here, as I have hired a stranger to care for Mom in her home. And only part-time as Mom won't tolerate the intrusion on weekends, or before noon.
I promise that we siblings believed with all our hearts that this was a good and right move as we couldn't drag her into an ALF. The outcome, however is a woman more dependent, less active, and less motivated to do more than talk about getting stronger. Ya done good, Mary 'n Josh!

[Heidi]

Wah...

[FC]

Girl,
Whumph! That's the sound angel wings make when they pop out of your back.
You're doing a good thing here.

[bonnie]

Lovely and uplifting news!

Now you can send me your new address...

[gail]

So sweet! You are where you should be.

[MsCellania]

crying too hard to be clever. This is just plain sad.

[dusty]

Y'are so.

[Margaret]

How are you and yours?
I've been praying.

[Beth Ann]

That is fantastic. I felt so happy for him when I read that...he has wonderful memories of a woman who loved him like a prince! You will never regret what you are doing now, for yourself or your husband. It sounds like your husband came from some pretty incredible parents. Lucky you.

[Vicki]

Eh bien, je dois supporter la présence de deux ou trois chenilles si je veux connaître les papillons.

That was the sum total of what I remembered after years of French- and I found it tonight in that exact same book. Isn't it amazing how we can rise to just about any occasion when we put our mind and heart to it? You are being a wonderful family and I agree with Bonnie- this is really an uplifting post. Hang in there, hang on, sending love and supportive thoughts and as I always say, "POOR PUSHKIN!"

[Stokesia]

Dang. I thought I was gonna get through this day without crying.