At Sea.

Goddamn I am feeling angry and dejected and, UGH, just dazed. Distracted.

It's bedlam in my brain, I tells ya.

Yesterday I became unreasonably angry at 3:25pm, when I had finally made my way back upstairs after dismissal, was finally alone in my classroom, alone for the first time in 7 hours, with hours of work still ahead of me, but at least I was all alone. I sighed, stretched, hiked up my long tunic-y top and pulled my pants up a little bit (someone lost 5 pounds YEAH THAT'S RIGHT, IT WAS ME) and then heard a voice behind me, "Hi, I'm Jack Jerkface, just wanted to give you my business card and see if you wanted to go over your 403B allocations with me."

I made an odd gasp/quiet shriek and then yelled, "JESUS CHRIST YOU SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF ME!"

He chuckled and apologized.

I was curt and abrupt.

He left.

I wanted to follow him and beat him into a whimpering, bloody pulp for daring to venture into my classroom unannounced.

That was an overreaction, right?

I am also feeling unusually thick-headed. I sat in a meeting at work yesterday and heard myself asking a question that seemed to indicate I had not understood the main point. Yep. I was that person. The one who makes you inwardly sigh when she opens her mouth at a meeting. Fortunately it was a small meeting, mostly containing people who care about me. 

I understand that this can probably all be chalked up to stress. The first 6 weeks of school are always insanely difficult. And when you factor in some of the recent events in my family's life, well, goddamn, what do you expect?

I hesitate to even tell you the other piece of news (which many of you already read on Facebook), but I took Rosie to the vet last week and fed her little pieces of hotdog while the vet gave her the lethal injection. She died happily. Then, I walked outside to a spectacular sunset and cried in my car for the whole ride home.

Swear to God, my next post will not be about death. Unless someone else dies.

Comments

[blackbird]

Oh my, Mary.
I am hugging you from here.

[Swistle]

Ah, poor puppy.

[Leah]

You need a vacation. If only they made vacations from death. :-/ RIP Rosie.

[Anne]

I'll miss Rosie and her wiggley, licking, I-can't-get-close-enough-to-you demeanor. As with April, you were lucky to have each other.

I don't think I've ever felt so heartbroken for two people in my entire life. Thinking about you and Josh a lot these days.

Love you both.

[Maggie]

Ah damn, I'm so sorry about everything. It doesn't seem to matter how many times I have to do it, it always hurts like hell to put an animal to sleep. I know it's for the best every time, but shit. Also the first few weeks of school have been insanely crazy and I'm just the parent of an elementary school kid, can't imagine how the teachers do it!

[Maureen]

I am so sorry. I will miss seeing Miss Rosie's cute little face, she was such a doll. How you are managing to stay upright during this time-I give you so much credit for just being able to show up at all. Truly, I am just so sorry for everything you are going through right now.

[Karenth]

Thing is, not even a vacation would really help right now. HOWEVER, TWO DAYS with no one to answer to, . . . well maybe not even that. Part of this crap is just having no choices of your own to make. You have to get through to a certain point no matter what. Love you, kiddo. Have to go change someone's undergarments, though she refuses a shower, and take her to tour an ALF, with all my fingers/toes crossed.

[liz]

Oh, so sorry for you, and what a good good doggie owner you are to help her go that way. Hugs.

[Sue]

Wow! You have had one hell of a September. I'm still keeping your family in my thoughts. Also, in keeping with the death theme, when I die I want to come back to this earth as your pet. What a wonderful pet mom you've been.

[Dawn]

I am so, so sorry to hear about Rosie. You've definitely earned a break. I vote you spend a weekend sleeping in your comfiest clothes while alternating meals of ice cream and wine during your brief awake moments.

[Miz Robyn]

Awww, crap, I'm so sorry about Rosie.

Dawn's right, you deserve a damn BREAK.

[Susan Harris]

You all gave Rosie a wonderful life. She was lucky to have you - and you to have her. Sweet dog.

[Lori]

Dammit. I loved Rosie. I loved that you took her in so late in her life and gave her such a good home. I'll miss seeing her little face in photos, though.

You really do deserve some time off of all this crap.

[Margaret]

I'm so sorry for what you've been dealing with; it's overwhelming. When the you-know-what hits, it hits hard. I've been having that same kind of year. Sucks. Many hugs to you.

[kris (lower case)]

i'd send you another poem but frankly sometimes they are just too heart breaking. sorry for all the loss.

[the bee]

Just one of the events you have gone through would be overwhelming. You smacked them all in a giant sandwich in a very short period of time. It is ok to grieve, be forgetful, angry, bewildered and then some.I do not know how you have held it together.Sending hugs and promising not to die in the near future or ever if that would help. I have wine.

[Dusty]

I'm so sorry, Mary. About your mother-in-law. And Rosie. And everything. Yes, you're entitled.

[maddy]

Mary, so sorry. Tough times. Be kind to yourself.

[Cathy S.]

I am so sorry.

[Vicki]

I am late with condolences because Cathy S and I have been held prisoner in felt camp and we only escaped this morning. So I am on her heels (and her computer) to say I am so sorry. I was very found of sweet Rosie whenever she appeared here and now I feel even worse that her doggy sweater remains unfinished.
Ah, Mary. Don't worry -no one or nothing else will die ever again. xoxoxo.

[Beth Ann]

So sorry.

[FC]

I was going to be flip until I got to the Rosie part.

I know how very, very painful that goodbye was for you, not for Rosie, but for you and yours.
Been there.

I am so sorry.

TOO MUCH!
Let this woman and her family be.

[Heidi]

It's high time rainbows and unicorns make their way into your life.

[Pam L]

I agree with the rainbows, but not so sure you should be telling people you are seeing unicorns running around just now. Stress does bad things to good people. Hopefully things level out to a manageable hum for you soon and you can enjoy a glorious fall, I love this time of year.

[Laura/DaPFG]

Wow - hadn't seen the news about Rosie yet (damn those Facebook changes!!). :/ I think your reaction was acceptable. It may have been overboard had you actually slugged him several times in the face, but once might have been allowable. After all, you're a WOMAN, and it could be construed as self-defense ;P Things have to start looking up for you guys soon, no? :( Love ya lots, my internets-friend. Take care, the both of yas.

[Laura]

Mary, I am so sorry. Rosie seemed so sweet.
The hot dog did me in. Take care.

[MsCellania]

Bawling my eyes out here.
I will come kick that bean counter for you.
I cannot believe you lost both dogs AND your wonderful mother in law. Still can't believe it.

I am getting off fb, btw. No bfd, just sick of the game they play to try to increase their body count. You are rich enough, fuckers!

And I miss reading BLOGS. Yes, Blogs. I am lonesome for actual content, feelings and more than 2 sentences worth of folks. Well not everyone, but YOU for sure.

[readersguide]

So sorry -- oh boy.

[Pickles & Dimes]

Oh, no, no, no. I am so very sorry about Rosie.

[robin andrea]

Sad sad news about your Rosie. Hope your heart is healing over that pain.

[Dani]

So sorry to hear about Rosie.

[Vanesssa]

Mary, I haven't been reading lately and didn't know about sweet Rosie. So sorry. I lost my sweet little Abby in January, quite unexpectedly, and I'm still not over it. I'm also so very, very sorry about your mother-in-law. Can't quite muster up sufficient words of sympathy for you and your family, but I'm thinking of you.