Yesterday Was Meatball Tuesday At IKEA.

 

Orange!

Yesterday, I found myself with an unexpected gift of about 2 hours, so naturally I got in my car and drove to IKEA as fast as I could. Ostensibly I was there to look at picture frames, but to get to where the picture frames are you basically have to go through the entire store (clever, that). So I did the full IKEA tour with the big yellow bag, dreamily wandering in and out of the bedrooms and living rooms and kitchens, fantasizing about living the IKEA lifestyle.

The IKEA lifestyle fantasy for me involves living in a tiny, snug house (which is exactly what I do live in) where Contemporary and Inexpensive meets Cool and Vintage in a perfect ratio. Everything has clean lines and serves an important purpose. There are bright spots of color in an organized, uncluttered space. I am much younger and better-dressed in this fantasy, and I commute to work on a Vespa. 

It is my great good fortune that they do not sell Vespas at IKEA, because I can get really carried away with these fantasies.

I bought a few other things, though.

• Insanely low-priced wooden hangers
• Some plain black frames (which fit in perfectly with my lifestyle fantasy. I will fill them with artsy black and white photographs, taken by me, natch).
• some glasses

• A beauuuuuutiful blue water carafe that I intend to marry no matter what you people say. In fact, I propose a federal amendment to the Constitution that formalizes an alternative definition of marriage as being between a woman and her blue mouth-blown glass carafe.

I am one step closer to my IKEA fantasy lifestyle.

The last thing I bought was this desk tray organizer thing-y. I was kind of ecstatic about it because it combined my love of orange with my love for trying to get! organized! (You probably don't even know about my love of orange, do you? One day I should take pictures of all the orange things in my house so you could appreciate my weakness for that alluring color.)

The thing is: After I got home I had to put this orange organizer together myself! Using a power tool! I'm confident that 99% of my readers are female (remember how much fun we had talking about my vagina, back in the day?), and I'm sure that many of you are very competent and handy when it comes to using tools and putting things together. But I am NOT. For one thing, I've never had to be because my husband is so good at all that stuff that I just say, "Honey?" and he does it.

And if I am at school and I need something fixed or put together I have another husband named Ellen who will do it for me. If Ellen isn't there I even have a back-up husband named Julie who will step in so I don't hurt myself. 

Don't scoff at me for my lack of practical skills. Or, if you must scoff, at least do it quietly. 

But I decided to put my special orange organizer together myself! With a power drill! Woah!

 

I followed the directions very carefully.

One screw was uncooperative, despite my assertive use of the power drill.

In the end, it all worked out as you can see by the picture at the top of this entry.

Dammit. I spent so much time on what I bought that I don't have time to tell you about the RUDE CHECKER, whom I paid back in a clever, passive-aggressive way. 

Passive-aggressive = my specialty. Hey! I guess I DO have some practical skills!

Comments

[Laura/DaPFG]

Mad skillz, yo. Mad skillz. Isn't it amazing how taking one step into IKEA can make you question all of your previous home-decorating ideas? lol.

<3

*waits for the comments in hopes you'll post about your passive-agressiveness...*

[Stephanie]

IKEA is a banned word in my household. WE DO NOT HAVE ONE WITHIN 6 HOURS OF US, and I am constantly lamenting about it. My husband is so sick of hearing about how WE DO NOT HAVE AN IKEA WITHIN 6 HOURS OF US that I am no longer aloud to say the word IKEA at all.

I am right there with you on the fantasy, but I have no actual way of fulfilling it. You'll have to live the dream for us both! :)

[Stephanie]

aloud = allowed

[Maggie]

Thank God the only IKEA "near" me is up by the airport and, therefore, a complete PITA to get to or else we'd likely be living in poverty due to my love of everything in their store. Also, I share your IKEA fantasy and would constantly attempt to recreate it causing a total decorating FAIL because I have two kids, two cats, a dog, a husband and we both work full time and, therefore, my house constantly looks like hell. No one would ever be able to see my awesome IKEA furniture and decorative items because they would constantly be covered in crap. Leaving me depressed AND poverty stricken. Instead I will live vicariously through YOU.

Also, I used to be able to assemble things, but my husband does this stuff now and I am likely inept due to lack of practice so I'm proud of you assembling your item all by yourself!

[FC]

I think your vagina post was preme as I don't recall it.
Congrats on your assembly skills. I find it's always the last screw that strips, or binds, or does something hinky ... just when you think you are almost victorious.

I have never been in an IKEA store ... never seen one actually.

[pickles & dimes]

That second illustration of the cartoon guy with the question mark going HUH? perfectly sums up every single encounter I have had with IKEA instruction manuals.

[Mizter]

Red! I WISH they sold Vespas.

[the bee]

I love your mad putting together skills. I have none but I do have several folks willing to step in and help. Janet is great at all the man crap that I have neither time nor patience for.
Please post on the rude checker as they are my favorites. I still refuse to go to Daniels stand at Safeway and I make sure he knows it. Rock the orange.

[xilaphone]

We have those SAME glasses. They're awesome. Great for wine when you don't want to use a wine glass.

That you even understood the directions is no small feat.

[Dusty]

My IKEA fantasy life does not include my dresser sitting in pieces all over my bedroom. Grrr.

[Laura]

I'm not sure where the closest Ikea is...Austin? I know there's one in Houston. The Swedish are so efficient, aren't they?

[Margaret]

Awesome skills with the power tools!! They are a big zero for me since I wouldn't even know which one I would need.(or how to turn it on) I doubt that I can even find a screw driver around here! My husband is Mr. Construction Worker, so I defer to him on all such matters. I would marry your blue carafe also. But no thanks on the Vespa, too rainy around here.

[vicki]

IKEA! Well, we did our entire walk-in closet here with IKEA parts- about ninety thousand of them. What I like best about IKEA directions are the little icons of the guy telephoning for help every 3rd step. IKEA food always fascinates me, esp. the meatballs and those brocolli/potato pucks. FC is probably just in denial about that earlier discussion; he was around but it was too much to register on his Cracker radar.

[maddy]

We have the same decor fantasy, except for the Vespa part, because I am scared of head injuries. Congrats on putting together your organizer thingy!

[Liza Lee Miller]

IKEA is my favorite store. The closest one is a little more than an hour away. I luff it. We have much IKEA furniture and, honestly, I don't find it challenging to put together (sorry, I just don't!). That said, ROCK ON Miz S . . . you are a power tool goddess. Never question your skillz. Although I think continuing to rely on your husbands is just sensible.

I support the right of a woman to marry not only her favorite water carafe but any glass homeware of her choosing. Viva la difference!

[Heidi]

Same as FC, I've never been in an IKEA, and haven't seen one. However, I dreamed the other night that I lived at Costco; does that count?

[Pam L]

I checked online and in 2008 they announced they were going to build the first Ikea in Colorado, in 2011! AND, it's going to be a 45 minute drive on the opposite end of town from me, accessible only by the most traffic infested highways, of course. So, I probably won't be inside one for a very long time.

[bonnie]

I'm sorry but I don't remember any va**** post. If only they served fuzzy mimosas and pink tacos at IKEA...

With apologies to Amy Winehouse:

They tried to make me go to IKEA, but I said "No, no, no."
Though occasionally I wish
For their red Swedish fish.
It's still not enough to make me go.

I'd rather be at home with Bruce
Who makes our bookshelves out of spruce.

IKEA's cheap products I refuse to hoard.
'Tis rumored IKEA's Swedish for 'particle board.'

Allen wrench furniture drives me insane;
A Swede cannot make chairs like a Finn or a Dane.

I didn't get a lot in class
But I know it don't come in an Ikea glass.

The man said "Why do you think you here?"
I said "Elderberry and lingonberry beer!"
I'm gonna, I'm gonna lose my baby,
So I always keep a blue water carafe near."

Now, Swedish H & M's a whole 'nother story:
No furniture, but flimsy fashion, so whorey.

One more lame rhyme before I die:
Seattle's IKEA serves lutefisk at Xmas; Would I lye?

xo

[Fay]

Oh, how I love IKEA, but hate putting things together. It's half the reason I got married, to someone who LOVES putting things together! Whee.

[MsCellania]

My eyes aren't good enough to read that instruction booklet, but I think he's flipping the project off in one of them. I have been known to drop kick build it yourself stuff, thereby rendering it useless. (I've also drop kicked undercooked roasts down alleys, so you can see there's a violent pattern developing here.)

I want to hear about the mean checker.

[TC]

I love orange TOO! My kitchen is orange! (Well, yellow, with orange trim. BRIGHT orange trim.) I have an orange KitchenAid stand mixer! And orange dish towels! And orange peelers and orange measuring spoons, and...

Yes, people do think I'm a little off. They may be right.

[Pam L]

Still waiting to hear about the clever passive-aggressive manuever, it may come in handy.

[eurolush]

Just looking at the directions for that orange organizer makes me start feeling passive/aggressive/distraught.

I'm impressed at your handywork! Well done, m'lady.

And I do loves me some Ikea. In Germany, they call it "Eeee-kay-yah."

[vicki]

Bonnie, Bonnie, Bonnie. That woman.

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