Yesterday, I found myself with an unexpected gift of about 2 hours, so naturally I got in my car and drove to IKEA as fast as I could. Ostensibly I was there to look at picture frames, but to get to where the picture frames are you basically have to go through the entire store (clever, that). So I did the full IKEA tour with the big yellow bag, dreamily wandering in and out of the bedrooms and living rooms and kitchens, fantasizing about living the IKEA lifestyle.
The IKEA lifestyle fantasy for me involves living in a tiny, snug house (which is exactly what I do live in) where Contemporary and Inexpensive meets Cool and Vintage in a perfect ratio. Everything has clean lines and serves an important purpose. There are bright spots of color in an organized, uncluttered space. I am much younger and better-dressed in this fantasy, and I commute to work on a Vespa.
It is my great good fortune that they do not sell Vespas at IKEA, because I can get really carried away with these fantasies.
I bought a few other things, though.
- Insanely low-priced wooden hangers
- Some plain black frames (which fit in perfectly with my lifestyle fantasy. I will fill them with artsy black and white photographs, taken by me, natch).
- some glasses
- A beauuuuuutiful blue water carafe that I intend to marry no matter what you people say. In fact, I propose a federal amendment to the Constitution that formalizes an alternative definition of marriage as being between a woman and her blue mouth-blown glass carafe.
I am one step closer to my IKEA fantasy lifestyle.
The last thing I bought was this desk tray organizer thing-y. I was kind of ecstatic about it because it combined my love of orange with my love for trying to get! organized! (You probably don't even know about my love of orange, do you? One day I should take pictures of all the orange things in my house so you could appreciate my weakness for that alluring color.)
The thing is: After I got home I had to put this orange organizer together myself! Using a power tool! I'm confident that 99% of my readers are female (remember how much fun we had talking about my vagina, back in the day?), and I'm sure that many of you are very competent and handy when it comes to using tools and putting things together. But I am NOT. For one thing, I've never had to be because my husband is so good at all that stuff that I just say, "Honey?" and he does it.
And if I am at school and I need something fixed or put together I have another husband named Ellen who will do it for me. If Ellen isn't there I even have a back-up husband named Julie who will step in so I don't hurt myself.
Don't scoff at me for my lack of practical skills. Or, if you must scoff, at least do it quietly.
But I decided to put my special orange organizer together myself! With a power drill! Woah!
I followed the directions very carefully.
One screw was uncooperative, despite my assertive use of the power drill.
In the end, it all worked out as you can see by the picture at the top of this entry.
Dammit. I spent so much time on what I bought that I don't have time to tell you about the RUDE CHECKER, whom I paid back in a clever, passive-aggressive way.
Passive-aggressive = my specialty. Hey! I guess I DO have some practical skills!