I Didn't Have Lunch That Day. Maybe That Explains My Poor Behavior.

What did I tell you I was ready to do? Come home from vacation and resume a useful role in society?

I misspoke. What I meant to say is that I was ready to come home from vacation, visit my parents in their new assisted living apartment, admire my dad's facial bruising from his recent fall, engage in a big emotional fracas with my mother, weep copiously, berate myself, go out for dinner and drink too much sake, and do some drunken tweeting.

Yes, indeed, I packed a lot of living into those first 12 hours of being home.

Hoo boy.

You might wonder why I was picking on my poor ol' mother.

I didn't mean to.

My mother is naturally predisposed to embrace conflict--she thrives on it, really--and she has spent her first week in Assisted Living trying to alienate the nursing staff by arguing about her medication with them. Topics for discussion with the nurses have included

• You Are Not Giving Me The Right Pills
• You Didn't Give Me My Morning Pill
• These Pills Don't Look Like My Pills
• I Don't Take My Pill With Applesauce
• I Don't Think These Pills Are Mine 
• Give Me All My Pills Back So I Can Do It Myself

To be fair, she has always managed her medicine herself (with help from my nephew Benjamin who lived with them at their old house.) But her memory problems have definitely gotten worse so we thought we should turn it over to the nurses. Clearly we miscalculated her reaction to this. 

We know our mother, and we know that something like this could put the entire arrangement into jeopardy. She just won't let it go. Never ever. So, fine, right? Let her take her own pills. She can probably manage okay with a check-off list and a little supervision.

As part of my sincerely well-intentioned efforts to fix the problem, I asked my mother to be patient through the weekend so that I could have time to type up a medication checklist and then meet with the head nurse on Monday morning to turn the pills back over to Mom.

And when my mother wouldn't stop talking about "the autocrats" and the "she-devils," when I realized that she fully intended to go at again as soon as she had the chance, I exploded with tears and angry entreaties to JUST STOP, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. 

And I said, through sobs, "THIS  HAS TO WORK. YOU HAVE TO BE ABLE TO LIVE HERE. I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU WILL LIVE IF THIS DOESN'T WORK OUT."

Then I said something worse, something that I am ashamed of. She was insisting again that the nurse had missed a pill that day. I could have sidestepped it or deflected it, and what did I say?

"YOU HAVE ALZHEIMERS. MAYBE YOU FORGOT."

Nice, huh? Way to rub it in.

My father, oh God, my poor father who shrinks from conflict and can't manage my mother at all, was over on his side of the table saying soothingly, "Let's agree to an armistice! I think we'll be able to straighten this out when your brother comes back. How about exchanging a kiss of peace? Least said, soonest mended!"

He's so cute.

Anyway, my mom was really upset that I was upset. She apologized profusely (as did I), and all was well by this morning.

But goddamn. Why can't I control myself? The good thing is, I have lots of time to learn. My brother pointed out to me that she seems to get stronger every day and will probably be around for at least another 20 years.

Comments

[John C. in Berlin]

1:59 AM? You are a role model for bloggers everywhere, and more importantly for children everywhere coming to terms with their parents' 21st-century aging. Because I think one important aspect is maintaining the parent-child relationship as strongly and as long as possible, in other words not trying to morph into angels who never get upset and who always find acceptance and understanding. The more the relationship stays the same, the less the transition seems like putting one foot in the grave.

[Cazza]

I, too, have had 'words' with my mother that I regret when I lost my temper with her one day shortly after Dad's stroke.

Both her and my behaviour has been better since.

Huge hugs for you, Mary. We seem to be sharing the same (or a similar) journey from either side of the world.

[blackbird]

Quit beating yourself up!
Sheesh.

I have nothing further - except: I'm pretty sure I'd be a sobbing/screaming/stress addled mess were I in your shoes.

[Anne]

I hope you'll be able to hang in there and stick to your guns about the medications issue. Medication mismanagement is a huge issue for the elderly, even for those without dementia.

My mom went through an almost identical scenario about her medications--questioning the nurses/aides about what they were giving her, what they were for, the names of the medications, too many pills, not enough pills, etc.

I kept telling her that the laws required nurses/aides to dispense the medications because of the concern that those who might be confused could take her pills by mistake. I also assured her that these aides had to have special training and certification to dispense medications. I told Mom that there were liability issues, and that her place could get sued if there were medication errors, so they had to protect themselves.

I kept telling her all of the above, over and over again, until she stopped fretting about it. Of course, all of it was true because she lives in a place where almost everyone has dementia. Not like where your folks live.

Providing a list to your mom about the meds she is taking and when and what they are for might be helpful. That way, when the meds are brought around, she could refer to her list. She'll probably soon tire of that exercise and settle down a little.

I hope.

[Swistle]

OMG your brother's remark about stronger/20yrs! Did you kick him?

I would totally have lost it with the she-devils/autocrats thing. Even though I'd KNOW I shouldn't get into it with someone who had Alzheimer's. My grandmother had Alzheimer's, and what really got to me wasn't the forgetfulness but the way she'd turn that forgetfulness into attacks on other people. She'd accuse my son of taking her things, for example, when those things were RIGHT IN HER HANDS. And then even after she'd realize the things were in her hands, she'd continue to think of him as if he was a little thief who had to be watched, and she'd say things like, "I'd better put this up here where he can't get it again!" And that is REALLY HARD to handle. And of course anything multiplied by "mother/daughter" is about 50 times as hard.

[Maggie]

ACK! Once again I fear for my future. My parents have exactly the same dynamic. My mother is constantly offending people by accident or not and doesn't mind a fight. My dad would rather cut off his own arm that have any conflict so basically my mom runs over people and my dad attempts to apologize for her. After 41 years of this it's exhausting and frustrating. The next 20-30 years are going to be rough.

I agree with Anne that unfortunately the medication thing sounds like something you are going to have to engage in the battle with your mom about. On the plus side, I'm going to guess that she's not the first or the last person at the home to challenge the staff about medications and they are probably pretty used to dealing with that kind of behavior.

[maddy]

Hi Mary, be nice to yourself. This would drive anyone through the roof.

[Margaret]

I would have done the same thing because the situation would have pushed too many of my buttons.(and fears!) Don't be so hard on yourself, Mary.

[M]

Sounds like a normal reaction to me. There's just so much patience in us, and then our buttons get pushed.

It's normal in assisted living for the staff to dispense meds. The patient has to earn the right to give themselves their pills. The staff will regularly count her pills, to be sure she's taken the right ones at the right times.

Give yourself a HUG. You're trying to keep your parents alive and content in their new environment. You did the right and reasonable thing by hollering. Yes, we should be kind, patient and loving to our parents. But...we do have our limits. And it's OK.

[the bee]

I am amazed that you are doing so well actually. I had an ugly cry at work over far less. I imagine that losing control of some aspects of your life are scary but she does need to know that you all are human too. I wish someone would get their butt over here and run my life because apparently I suck at it. You are fabulous ! I will say it till you believe it. And your brother?Always hilarious .. I cannot even reprimand you sir.. you are my sarcastic alter ego.

[vicki]

So, the next time you see her say, "Hey! Alix told me she had a fight with you about your pills and told you you had Alzheimers. That certainly wasn't very nice. But I know she feels badly about it."

It's true. I used to be a psychotherapist.

[Pam L]

Mary, I feel for you just getting into this alternative living thing. We have learned not to get into it wit my Dad, and arguing with him gets us nowhere as he forgets it all anyway. We let a lot of what he says pass because as my sister wisely said "It must suck to be wrong ALL the time" When he was still having a tough time adjusting the the new place and the meds, he sometimes refused to take the meds, or to eat because he said they were trying to poison him. In retrospect, as they have since adjusted his meds, I think he felt the difference and that he was being over-medicated and that was how he expressed the druggy feeling. But no point in arguing when he wouldn't remember he was on a hunger strike by the next meal or snack time. And when my Dad was mad because nobody told him I was married (30 years ago-he gave me away) and why I didn't tell him he was my Dad (Didn't know I had to) So, cut yourself some slack, it's hard on the whole family and everyone knows you want the best and safest place for your parents.

[Heidi]

I heart your Dad.

And quit beating yourself up, huh?

[FC]

"YOU HAVE ALZHEIMERS. MAYBE YOU FORGOT."

Am I allowed to find that statement hysterically funny?
I know this post is one of stress, angst, and serious family issues, but that line uttered in your moment of stress ... I need to know if it's okay to laugh.

[xilaphone]

I agree with Vicki.

By the way, the nurses should be adept at handling her behavior. They've seen this many times before. It should not be all on you to deal with her resistance and need for reassurance--even as she's fighting them. They are the professionals, though I hear what you're saying. She's still acclamating to living there as well. Is there an attending physician that can step in and make a decision?

[MsCellania]

I agree with Vicki but would change Alix to Julie. I know she's a great cook and you love her, but don't you need to even up the score for SOMETHING back in your past?!
And I laughed about the YOU HAVE ALZHEIMERS etc statement too! I'm not the type to tiptoe around a problem so HELLS yes - let's just get it right out there and drop kick that sucker around a bit. Clear the air in case anyone in the township was confused. I know it means Yoga Hell for me. And I'm okay with dat. Sorry Bonnie.
Also, do not worry about those nurses ousting your parents. I'm sure they've handled a LOT worse situations. Really.
Reading this reminded me why no one wants me in charge of them if and when they get feeble. My mother (who greatly mirrors your mother) is thinking on getting her first tattoo - DNR in big letters on her chest. My husband is begging me to find a Dr. Kevorkian type and Off Him before he goes to geezerdoom, as he fears "You mean well, but you will leave me in a dressing room at Target, I just know it! Or forget to feed me for days! I mean it!"

[Cathy S.]

I agree with Vicki. And by the way, she has memory issues so won't remember it anyway so cut yourself some slack. I am going to print these posts out. I will need reassurance in a few more years. You are forging through territory all of us will have to go through some time or another.

[Laura]

Your dad is adorable. Armistice, a kiss of peace...give the diplomat a hug from your imaginary friend Laura.

[Liza Lee Miller]

I know I would react just like you did but from a distance (waving hi from CA), I think sometimes you have to tell it like it is. And, if you really did stop her from continuing to battle the staff, maybe it's all for the best.

And, I totally agree with Vicki! :)

[Kathy]

I love Vicki's comment!

[Dusty]

I do feel for you. I lost my temper at my mother a week after we moved her into the hospital and I felt like such a shit. I might have mentioned this before, perhaps last week even.

Even if she did live another 20 years, it wouldn't be like this. The day will come when she won't remember how to speak.

[bonnie]

They don't call her "Slick Vicki" for nothing.

Prayers for you and your dear, old parents, Mary!