"MOTHER. NO."

Oh God. My parents. Ever so tiny and frail and shuffle-y. But happy, for the most part, and seldom complaining about anything. If you are in the mood for clicking, I wrote this about them--God, almost two years ago--and I like it very much.

My 83-year-old mother is being evaluated for Alzheimer's, something that we have watched coming on for a looooooong time now. She was kind of a loon before dementia began to twine its way around her, and you will just have to accept my word about that.

My 80-year-old father has been having a problem with fecal incontinence (my mother refers to it as "the BM problem") for almost a year now, poor guy. What an assault on one's dignity, to never know when you are going to crap your pants. And he has lost many pounds, which he could ill afford to part with. Doctors have investigated, with greater or lesser (mostly lesser) degrees of interest in the project. The first theory was lactose intolerance, and the milk-free diet helped for awhile. But the problem has returned with a vengeance.

Today's project was a colonoscopy. No big deal, right? Just drive my dad to the clinic, sit in the waiting room for a couple of hours with a good book, then drive him back home. But then my father wanted my mom to come along, which is natural, I suppose. I think he was deathly afraid of crapping his pants on the way to or from, and he didn't want to burden his daughter with any sort of involvement.

Anyway, God should strike me dead for being such an intolerant daughter but godDAMNit you guys have no fucking idea how difficult she can be. Two-and-a-half hours in a small waiting room? It was like two-and-a-half YEARS.

My mom has absolutely no sense of...I don't know what exactly. Boundaries? Social norms? And don't tell me it's Alzheimers.  She's ALWAYS been like this. And it kills me to be out in public with her, because on the one hand, I am accustomed to laughing at her behind her back for all her oddities. And on the other hand, I love her and don't want anyone else to laugh at her. So, I am perpetually 13 with my mother.

You know how in a waiting room it is usually quiet? People are either there alone, or if they are with another person they chat quietly in lowered voices so as not to disturb others, right? My mom, who has a problem with incessant, I mean incessant, talking (I call it the "momologue") is just out of control in a waiting room. For one thing, she has a beautifully clear, carrying voice and no ability to modulate the volume. For another thing, she is perfectly comfortable saying things that normal people's brains would filter out.

Example: When we checked in at the office window, the young black woman behind the counter gave my father a form to fill out and some instructions about what to sign and what to initial, etc.

 As we walked, back to our seats my mother began to voice her confusion. I said, "Don't worry, Mom. Dad knows what to do."  And my mother opined, loudly, "That young lady doesn't speak clearly!" which is her way of saying, "That young lady is black! The rhythm of her speech is not what I am accustomed to hearing and I don't approve of it!"

I cut her off with a quiet, but firm, "Mom. Please. Don't." which just made her repeat it in a piercingly loud whisper.

Then followed at least one full hour of momologuing about God knows what.  Just a series of more or less connected anecdotes butwithouttakingabreathinbetween. Then, two black people came into the waiting room and sat down. Mom's eyes rested thoughtfully on them for a few minutes before she started in on the Florida anecdote.

The Florida anecdote is one where she tells the story about a trip we took to Florida in 1970 where we encountered lots of evidence that racism in the South was alive and well "...and you kids were so shocked because you had no idea, blah blah, prattle, prattle." 

I think she likes to tell this story because it fits in with her idea of herself as a progressive, liberal white person. FAIL.

I turned to her, desperately, and hissed. "Mother. No."

Amazingly, she obeyed me and stopped talking.

Then I gave her a copy of "Me Talk Pretty One Day" by David Sedaris, who is only the funniest essayist in the history of mankind, I'm sure you agree with me. I thought this would keep her occupied and quiet. Instead, she chuckled and laughed and howled and giggled and said, "WOOOOO!"  I mean LOUDLY, people. LOUDLY.

Oh God, the violation of social norms is so painful for me.

When it was all over and done with and we were back in my parents' kitchen with my sister cooking lunch for us, I could see that it was funny, even hilarious.

But inside I am still cringing. You feel me?

Comments

[blackbird]

On the one hand (or WITH one hand) I'm feeling you.
On the other hand, it sounds like it wasn't as bad as you felt it was. You feel *me*?

[paula]

Oh yes, I know all to well to what you refer. We're in the same boat there, I know my mom's public behavior is not caused by dementia but Daddy's was. Either way it's not easy. But like you said, probably not as bad as we think either. Just when your kids get grown and you think you can take a breath, your parents need parenting.

It makes me want to cry.

[cazza]

Oh the cringeworthiness of aging parents! My mother was recently in hospital with a fractured hip. While we were waiting for the decision to transfer her to the private hospital across the road (out of MY hospital thankyougod) she was cared for by a very competent gentle nurse. Who was male ... that was OK. BUT, he was from Zimbabwe. And was black. The racism expressed in a very loud, ringing voice was appalling. But not directly racist. Oh no. It was more about how he had hurt her and didn't know what he was doing and had worsened the fracture etc etc.

It was horrible. And my mother has all her marbles so there is not one iota of an excuse.

Off to work for me, now. Hope you're enjoying your summer break, Miz.

[Miz S]

blackbird: I know, right? As soon as I read over what I wrote I thought to myself, "Hmmmm. Over-react much?" Funny, because my siblings understand COMPLETELY, and I would venture to say that they share my horror in similar situations. But other people think we are being too sensitive.

Paula: I feel sorry for those people who had their kids late-ish and are doing the parenting and the eldercare at the SAME TIME! AUGH!

[Swistle]

ACK. I FEEL YOU. Social-norm violation is extremely uncomfortable for me, too, and AGONIZING if I'm attached to the person doing the violating.

[Swistle]

It bothers me with children, even though I think children generally get a partial pass with their societal screw-ups. My daughter asks loudly if someone is a boy or a girl (hair length confuses her), and will also say, "His skin sure is BROWN, isn't it! Isn't it, Mommy!"

[Lori]

This post is as funny as any David Sedaris essay. I'm sorry it happened to you in real life, though.

[Margaret]

My mother is yours without the Alzeimer's. She is loud and talks incessantly and BRAGS,which is really embarrassing. And she fawns over people(usually minorities) and says inappropriate things because of her age. Probably because she wants to show how unbiased and progressive she is. I don't think she means anything by it, but it is humiliating. So, YES, I FEEL YOU. That Sedaris book is very funny.

[maddy]

That's tough.
It's very funny the way you tell it, though. ;)

Hang in there.

[Pam L]

my sister does all the taking my Dad to the Dr duties, since she is there, and I am here, and he is not so bad because he doesn't hear much, but he does have Alzheimers or some sort of dementia that at 89 I guess they are not worried about deciding which it is. The Lifeline guy spent hours at my Dad's house setting up the call system for him but when it came time to sign for it, agreeing to pay the $36 a week he freaked out and told him it was a scam and that he didn't need it. He now has a daily home health aid for the days my sister is not there, but it won't be long before he is in some sort of assisted living or nursing home situation.

[Liza Lee Miller]

I've got you beat. My mean-spirited grandmother once assured me that she wasn't bigoted after all some of her best maids were black. I kid you not. Even when I was 12, I knew that was an asinine thing to say. The cringe-worthiness of parents is huge, especially when I berate myself for getting frustrated with a mental reminder that my daughter may one day cringe at my oddities (not that I have any mind you but you know how daughters are!).

[Anne]

Well . . . I know exactly what's going on with you, Mary.

It's a good thing that your mom can still read, or I should say, understand what she is reading. It's been a while since my mother could retain anything she read or been able to follow a TV show or movie--or a conversation.

I had her down to our place for this past weekend, and she looked at a watercolor painting of an adobe home with a blue door and asked me, "What does it mean?"

Mom chatters non-stop, but it is inconsequential and non-conversational, often repeating what was said just moments before. Today, when I drove her back to assisted living, she commented on the beautiful day exactly 34 times. She also reads any and all road signs out loud.

Mom still practically dissolves into tears whenever she sees images of President Obama, marveling at "how far the black people have come." No matter how many times I explain that Barack Obama was simply the most qualified person for the job (IMHO), she is fixated on his race. I think it's partly her own generational experience with racism and partly her inability to comprehend current national and international issues these days. I dunno . . .

I really sympathize with your dad, Mary. Poor thing. My father had those very same problems, too, and it sure was tough for him. I hope something can be done to give him some relief.

[the bee]

See, they lived long enough to embarrass us. Just like they promised.
You poor dear, I love your cute parents. My folks also are doing old people things. All 3 meals eaten before 3 pm . Sound familiar?
We will hang in there together.

[kris]

i have all of david sedaris' books on tape and listen to them in the car. i love him. as for your mom, well, she is old, and everyone can see she is old and probably assume she is a bit 'off' so they aren't going to get all bent out of shape by what she says. she will still embarrass you but i doubt anyone is thinking anything but 'god i'm glad that's not me'..

[Pam L]

The other day when I went to the dentist with Paul, it was old people day. The old cowboy next to me was a very talkative smoker. Then a man about my age or so came in with his elderly Mom . The receptionist handed her the sheet to fill out, both sides, and the son was going to let her fill it out except she couldn't remember anything for it. The son sat across the room for some reason and he had to keep telling her letter by letter what to put in each space. Finally. Old Cowboy asked him, "Wouldn't you like to sit over here (there was a seat open next to her!) and maybe help her do this?" and the son did, finally. It would have taken her all day! There was also an elderly Asian man waiting for his equally elderly and tiny wife. I kept thinking , some day this will be me and I will be the oldest, not one of the youngest in the waiting room.

[Maggie]

Yes, my mom has a problem following acceptable social norms and she does not have Alzheimers or any other disease. I love her, but she has no filter and no tact. I can't count the number of times I tried to tell her that she really shouldn't say X thing and her response was "but it's true." As if that is the standard by which society measures social interaction. Sigh. Someday she will become hard of hearing and then everything she already says loudly will be said very loud and I'll feel perpetually 12 in her presence. I can hardly wait...

David Sedaris books on tape go a long ways towards making me feel better though ;-)

[wende]

I have no words of wisdom here. But I wanted you to know I'm reading and thinking of you. And wishing you were closer so I could play "grub fairy".

[Belle]

Well, at least she didn't say NEGRO. My mother says NEGRO. And they like loud colors and big hats, because they are NEGROES. Aack. When I finally called her on that last week and told her they haven't been called that for 50 years, she said "Well, that's what they were called when I was growing up and I can't say Afericaana Amerrrrikans." Sigh.

Yes, I know exactly what you mean. I'm embarassed but overly protective at the same time. And we have 3 doctor app'ts to get through this month yet. The funny thing is that all the nurses and receptionists and doctors just love her and then that forces me to look at her with different eyes and I think oh god I'm being overly sensitive......sound familiar? Did I say "sigh"?

[Gretchen]

I feel you, I was just home to my folks' place for a visit. I will join you in the place where intolerant children go when they die. I guess we'll spend eternity with this version of our parents.

[FC]

1970?
That was only a few years after the civil rights act and that was the year our county finally acted to seriously integrate the schools and do away with separate black and white schools. I know, because I was a 7th grader who was bused across town to a different school.

Hell yes, there was a lot of blatant racism then. We were only just beginning the journey.
I know, I was one of the lab rats.

It worked though. The grownups fussed, and we kids (black and white) were scared, but it worked in the end.

Just think how your kids will roll their eyes some day when you spout off loudly about some issue.
It'll be fun!

[Angie]

I feel you, Mary. I am so sorry. On the other hand it sure gives you great material to write about.

[Kay]

I get it Mary. Caring for aging parents feels both natural and unnatural to me. I just finished a very interesting book, Still Alice, by Lisa Genova. A first-person account of sorts, of someone with early onset Alzeimer's. I do find with my own parents, that their character traits become even more exaggerated as they get older...and that is sometimes a challange to deal with. But it sure is fun to have siblings to laugh about it with!

[Keri]

When my mom tosses out Negro once in a while and then quickly self corrects to black and then looks at me and says "Is that right? I still never know what to say... is it African American or black or what? It keeps changing! It is so confusing!" but with her, also... (momologue is the funniest thing yet, and I'm stealing it) it is nonstop talking and zero filter and I swear she thinks the offender (in her mind) cannot hear her.

I too, am perpetually 13 in her presence. And EVERY event is about her. That colonoscopy your father was taking part in? She would have found some way to make it all about herself.

I do hope they find the source of your dad's problem and can help fix it. That IS a difficult dignity assault. :(

And oh, do I get what you are going through.

[Heidi]

I'm sorry things are so difficult. Handing your mom a good book was a brilliant move on your part. She may have been loud, but sometimes it does people good to hear chuckling and a good "WOOOOO!"

[vicki]

Oh, lordie, do I feel you. You have captured so well the painfully ridiculous time spent with just such a mom. It would be nice to blame it all on age but I had very similar experiences and my mother stayed clear as a bell until the day she died. I think my all time favorite was the time she announced at my baby shower for Daniel-in front of all my therapist and physician friends- that it sure was lucky she chain smoked during her pregnancies or she might have ended up with big babies, needing a c-section. Not to speak ill of the dead or anything. Now we are onto Bud's shenanigans of proposing marriage, or alternatively, a romp in his room to all the young women working with him in physical therapy. The thing is, I'm also remembering all the embarrassing things my children said as well. Daniel at 2: "Look mama! A BIG cock! A BIG DIRTY cock! A John Deere cock!" But that was somehow cute.

"Oh God, the violation of social norms is so painful for me." I do feel you. I'm hoping we won't be driving our children so wild as FC suggests. And I really feel for your father, too. That's a tough one.

Have you read When You Are Engulfed in Flames? That is the funniest Sedaris book yet. I chuckled and laughed and howled and giggled and said, "WOOOOO!"

[Laura]

I just keep thinking about that isolation tank from a few posts back.

No, but really. Being out with my stepfather is very difficult and embarrassing, with loud, inappropriate nonstop chatter, anecdotes and political jokes, so I totally empathize. Drinking helps, when you can get away with it.

[MsCellania]

Oy.
Sorry for your dad. That has to be AAwful. My mother has the same situation at times. Dairy is not her friend.
Your PAIN makes for some great blog fodder, Miz S.
I'm doing that old-lady-with-little-kids-and-old-parent thing. And I'm doing it without booze, mood elevators, uppers/downers, or even weed!

[NativeMom]

Aaackk!! You mean one day when I'm finished parenting all these kids at home, I may have to deal with my mother on a regular basis. Kill me. Kill me now!!!

[kaylen]

Ugh....sorry for your mom. Not for anything specific-just sorry in general.
My dad is the one with those type of issues in our house. Family lore has it that we moved from Illinois to Minnesota because my sister was dating a *gasp* black man. Sad.

[kate]

...and I just got to work at 12:30 after spending the morning with my dad...mid-stage Alzheimers... going to the new dermotologist. It does not seem to get any easier... but it is not his fault.... he is still appreciative that I do these things for him... but he just cannot comprehend much anymore. I am just hoping that he continues to adjust well to the new Sunrise, which means "does not get violent with the staff"... he is a tall, strong man even at 81... he guards his "stuff" (e.g. personal possessions in his apartment) and doesn't want anyone touching it... hang in there. at least you have help from your sibs.

[Hope]

We have been dealing with this for a few years, although it was hard to figure when my MIL wasn't just her usual hateful self and demented personality. She and my 92 year old FIL like to tell stories using the term 'colored people' and though not hateful stories we got tired of trying to correct them.
We had it all arranged to have them come live near us in a beautiful assisted living apartment. They threw a fit and refused to get on the plane. The 36 hour day is a good book on the subject.
I wonder if my MIL had realized I'd have a say in her care she would have been kinder to me? I doubt it.

[MsPrufrock]

Ah yes, I know this pain. My Mom and I are not remotely similar - I'm the quiet, reserved type, my Mom is decidedly not. She "grooves' in public, and starts up conversations with any random person that speaks a word or two to her.

As for David Sedaris - funniest shit I've ever read. God, I love that man.

[Dawn Floyd]

All of these responses are hysterical.So FUNNY!To the child of these people, it is not funny though. "NEGRO" eh? My 93y/o 'Gone With The Wind' Mother told me,"I voted for that nice young black man.What's his name?"She's NEVER worn pants & lace hangs off everything in her home.She talks incessantly.I can't/don't deal with it very well.Most of it's details but some of it is about self esteem/control.She is controlling/dramatic.Afraid of real feelings.She was cruel to me when I was growing up.She's narcassistic.I tell myself to stop talking & ask questions.BE interested in others.I'm not perfect but, I want to be a decent person-not a crazy person.I don't want my children to grimace with pain when they hear the phone ring.No child deserves a cruel parent.I figure we are all working on becoming elderly like our parents.At the very least we owe ourselves the gift of having few regrets! Right?