I still hate Dorothy.

Shortly after this picture was taken, Sasha and Evangeline went inside and solved some quadratic equations.

Do you guys remember when I hated a person named Dorothy?

Well, I still hate her. And I had to talk to her on the phone the other night! Oh the agony.

She called on Thursday and left a message on my voice mail that she is trying to get a job in the school district that I work for. (for which I work? for which I work for? naaah.) I ignored the message on Thursday night. On Friday night I asked Josh if I HAD to call her back. Yes, he said. He's a stickler for proper phone etiquette.

So I fortified myself with a glass of wine and dialed her number with a heavy heart. The first thing she did was ask me how my girls are. She only does this so that she can tell you what her kids are doing which, believe me, is way more important and selfless than what YOUR kids are doing.

One of her daughters is the same age as Sasha, so I said "Teresa must be graduating in May like Sasha, right?"

Heavy sigh, voice lowered with concern. "Well, no, she's goin' to need an extra semester. She's been so busy workin' on her senior thesis. She had a lot of field research to do for her senior thesis, and it was very demandin'. You know, H. is really a tough school. All the students at her college have to do a senior thesis. A senior thesis."

(More about her in' fetish in a minute.)

Naturally, I exaggerate for effect but I swear to God she used the words SENIOR THESIS 4 or 5 times.

Why does this bug me? Because, goddammit, every freaking college senior that I know has some big-ass senior project but Dorothy has to make it sound like her kid is writing a dissertation for a doctoral program. Sasha is working on her project at this very moment. Her final draft is due tomorrow. It's a big deal and it's really SMART yada yada. But I have never once felt the need to tell anyone that she is working on her THESIS.

Anyway, due to my basic mean-spiritedness, I enjoyed immensely the fact that for once my kid is ahead of her kid.

You know, moms and dads have bragging rights about their kids and most of us feel like we are doing things the way they ought to be done, but for God's sake please try to have at least a modicum of self-awareness about it. I swear, if you ever think that I sound smug or pious or boastful about my life you have my express permission to swiftly take me down a notch. I will consider it a favor.

After 30 painful minutes I was able to extricate myself from the conversation and spend the rest of the evening complaining to Josh about her.

Alright. Here's something I complained about that is so trivial I can't even believe I'm sharing it with you:

Dorothy leaves off the "g" at the end of every single "ing" word. She's not thinking, she's thinkin'. Her kids are goin' to college. Her husband is workin' on the house. You know, like she's Loretta fucking Lynn in Coal Miner's Daughter but without the southern accent. This bugs me because it seems like such an affectation. She doesn't come from a part of the country where that is regional pattern of speech. She affects it, I believe, because she likes to think of herself as a simple person with old-fashioned values and somehow this complements her self-concept.

So, I was going on and on to Josh about this and how fucking irratating it is. And he said, "Well maybe you could axe her to stop."

I got to laughin' and laughin'. My husband is way funnier than HER husband.

Comments

[blackbird]

I'm a thinkin we could get a bunch o'guys together to come on over there and start a breakin Dorothy's fingers. One at a time. I'm a thinkin we'll be startin with the little 'uns.

[Vanessa]

How dare she pretend to be from Arkansas, all leavin' off the "g" and all. Y'all and we'uns should give her an ass whoopin'.

I love Josh.

I hate Dorothy, too.

[MsCellania]

Yipes.
I got No G in my ing's, either.
Am I safe in assumin that you are not recommendin her for a job?

There was much silent mirth in myself recently when a friend, who had insisted that her GIFTED daughter's charter school was ever-ever-so-much better than any possible choice (and said daughter was plucked among thousands, THOUSANDS I SAY, of applicants blahblahblah), reported troubles aplenty with the 'enviable' charter school. I put on a sad face and said "Oh Gosh" and tried to change the subject. Nope. Turns out her troubles are ever-ever-so-much-more troublesome than our pitiful troubles could ever be. I heard my mother calling and sorry had to go. Or maybe my cookies were burning in the oven and sorry I had to go?
If one MUST return phone calls, return them when you are sure to get the answerin machine.
Another pronunciation trait that makes me want to grab throats is the 'ff' for 'th' - "Today is my birffday!" When I hear a newscaster do it, I will get on the horn and call the station. We have a Fox newscaster who is a frequent offender. Yet ANOTHER reason to never watch Fox...

[Margaret]

Josh is hilarious! And your girls are extremely accomplished in all they do. Ashley may continue at college, even though she could graduate. She's actually only a junior, but with enough credits to graduate--she wanted to do a senior thesis, but couldn't. (for a reason I've forgotten because I didn't pay close enough attention) I hate people who make me feel the way Dorothy does; my aunt is like that. I fume for hours after I talk to her.

[Heidi]

Can't say enough about that wonderful photo.

[Kimberly]

I have been annoyed with that Dorothy woman since the last time you posted about her. Fuckin' boastin' woman.

[Gail]

I say send all the Dorothy's back to the Land of Oz, and leave the rest of us alone!!!
Josh is a stitch and a half!

[maddy]

Love, love that photo.

I do remember Dorothy. I've got some Dorothy types in my neck of the woods. "Axe"...hysterical!!

[Liza Lee Miller]

Too damn funny.

And, this totally guilts me out. I was supposed to call Greg's uncle the other day and I haven't done it yet. Crap.

[Karenth]

Here I am, all in a twisted blue anxious funk and damned if JOSH doesn't go a shakin' me all up and laughin' me right outta it!

[Kathy]

Such a great picture!

[Dusty]

OMG. You have the cutest photos *ever*. Put that with the doggy tea party and I expire from the cuteness.

And Josh is really funny.

[Hope]

I was laughin' out loud at Josh's remark. Seriously, let's hear the letter of recommendation you are writin' for her to get the job in your district.

[Keri]

I am downright lovin' that photo. And I thought I had that particular slang down cold and was the only one who did it and didn't have a reason. Damn. I'll have to come up with somethin' else now. Glad you let me know, though. I'd hate to think I was just one in a whole crowd of g-droppers. So thanks.

I'm still not callin' my brother back, though. No way. You can't guilt me into it. Phone etiquette be damned.

[readersguide]

Oh! And why do people like that get under your (my) skin so much. We know a girl from my oldest daughter's middle school who is now choosing between a super fancy school on the west coast (S) and a superfancy school on the east coast (H). It utterly infuriates me. I think, "She's no smarter than N!" (And this even though N was not even interested in schools of that ilk.)I express to N my disbelief. N wisely replies, "Oh, mom. You're right. E is not that smart, but she has been doing community service since she was born, and she does millions of things -- stupid things that no one wants to do, but that look good on your transcript -- plus her mother is insane." And it's true. Her mother is insane, and unless you are wanting to devote your life to doing things you don't want to do, H is not the place for you. And yet ... it rankles. And E's mother is totally the sort of person to tell you all about her daughter's softball career and general goodness toward the poor of south america or something, all the while subtly insinuating that your dear child is probably one of the worthless ones with no future in softball or goodness. Ick.

[Xila]

You could tell her that the school system for which (gold star, girlfrien')you work requires a certain level of education, such as the one you have, to get a decent job there.

[the bee]

I'm thinkin that my nieces are drinkin more beer and boxed wine at college than her kid. I laughed so hard at both of you.
I am also not ashamed to say that Coal Miners Daughter is my all time favorite movie . Tommy Lee Jones can park his dusty boots under my bed any day of the week . Is this a bad thing ?

[raehan]

I only have one "friend" that sets me off like that when I talk to her and last time we talked on the phone I totally stuck up for myself. Woo-hoo. It felt good.

I could say more but I don't want to go writin' a THESIS or anything.

[ceress]

Josh, Hefuunny!!! I have a hard time pronouncing "axe" I get it wrong everytime and really just end up sounding like a dumb ass.